What we don’t say. Our unspoken inner monologues, thought trains, heartful soulful yearnings we dare not speak. Our Pandora’s Box of hurt feelings, hopeful feelings, strange feelings, freaky feelings, dark thoughts, brutal memories, flickering snapshots…I know what we keep to ourselves can be a treasure, private and perfect. And that is beautiful. It’s the secret longings, shame, truths that we fear to tell in case of conflict or recrimination that I want to write about here. The answers to “How are you?” that aren’t the whole truth or the truth at all. The withholding of opinions, thoughts, hurts, and foibles bubbling within us like a caldron, will eventually spill over and people will get burned and no one more than yourself. Intimacy comes from sharing the whole you – risking misunderstanding, judgement, pain, hurt, confusion and anger to bare the real you, the “no pretty packaging” you. To know someone, really know them, they have to reveal themselves to us and we in turn must reveal our whole selves to them. No, I am not implying that we must say whatever we think and feel ALL the time. Acting on every kind of rash impulsivity can be damaging.
Justin Bariso of Emotional Intelligence Applied poses these 3 questions to ask to yourself to discern if you should say something:
Does this need to be said?
Do this need to be said by me?
Do this need to be said by me now?
Writing about what is going on with you can help you process your thoughts and feelings and prep you for thoughtful, healthy and necessary communication. But there has be a place for deep no holds barred conversation in our relationships for them to flourish, for us to keep choosing each other. Sharing the good the bad and the ugly promotes intimacy and offers us opportunities to evolve.
Ferocious Friday Writing Prompt ~ a 3-step prompt
- What is something you’ve been holding onto that is having a corrosive effect on your wellbeing and/or your relationship(s). Spit it out onto the page without thinking. It is just for you. It’s supposed to be raw.
- Now read it. Go back and circle what you need to say. Write a script for how to say it to someone.
- Write out all your reluctance to tell something and all the possible scenarios you fear could result in your revealing this. Are these just stories you are telling yourself? Are you willing to take the risk? What happens if you don’t say it? What do you hope comes out of your saying it?